Wheelhaus

I'm hoping the joke in the title is so old it's passed all the way through the other side of "hack" and right back into "novel". Don't worry. Next week I've got some great material about Spanish Influenza and those hoops kids are always pushing around with sticks.

I've been doing this job so long I now look at massive glistening anime boobies the same way accountants look at columns of numbers. Accountants nervously beat off to columns of numbers, right?

Once. Just once, I'd like to see Alanah in a gameplay where she doesn't mention Portuguese dongs. Oh well. Keep your fingers crossed for this week's GTA, everybody!

I'm not sure if all forms of puppetry cause Toxic Shock Syndrome, but I suppose we'd better go set Jeff Dunham on fire, just to be safe.

Only in America could Mike Tyson, an impoverished kid from the wrong side of the tracks, train relentlessly for years and go on to easily defeat four out of his five sexual assault charges.

Welcome to Casual Fridays at Funhaus, when the boys kick back and wear t-shirts that are only one size too small instead of three.

Tom Hanks gave up on method acting early in his career after he was nearly expelled from SAG in 1983 for leaving his used fish carcasses all over the set of "Splash".

Federal law provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized use, reproduction, or exhibition of "Space Caesar" and all associated aspects including his battle with "Moon Epilepsy", his contraction of "Robot Malaria" and his controversial fondness for "Galactopederasty".

I think I've got about one or two more "booty" pun video titles in me before I call Child Protective Services and relinquish custody of my daughter. She deserves better.

I've been waiting in vain for virtual reality to work properly ever since the day I got my first erection watching the trailer for The Lawnmower Man.

People like to say that Checkers is like Chess for dumb people. I prefer to say that Chess is like Dejarik for people who don't own a modified YT-1300 Corellian light freighter! Right? Whatever. Jacob appreciates me.

When I was little there was a huge panic over strangers sticking glass or razor blades into candy before passing it out to kids. That's why my mom always taught me to take a tiny nibble off the corner of each piece before climbing into the van.

Don't waste your money one of those flashy new love dolls. They're not as versatile as you think. I screamed at mine to poop on me for an hour and all it did was sit there and stare with its dumb useless mouth wide open.

That reminds me. Now that I'm a father, I really should make will. The last thing I want after I die is for my daughter to be stuck in a lengthy court battle with my illegitimate kids over all those jars of urine.

Now parents are freaking out over headers in soccer too?! Pretty soon the only sport kids'll be allowed to play is baseball. It's almost impossible to get a concussion while sitting on a slab of wood for three hours eating orange slices.

"Name?" "My name is Alice. I worked for the Umbrella Corporation, the largest and most powerful commercial entity in the world. I was head of security at a secret high tech facility called The Hive, a giant underground laboratory developing experimental viral weaponry. But there was an incident, a virus escaped and everybody died. Trouble was... they didn’t stay dead. The T-virus reanimated their bodies. But I survived. Myself and one other, an environmentalist named Matt, when we emerged we were seized by Umbrella scientists. Matt and I were separated. We thought we had survived the horror, but we were wrong" "... Riiiiggght. I don't think that'll all fit on the cup, but you can pick up your latte down at the end of the counter."

Jesus had a full body workout regimen that included circuits of table flipping, mountain climbing, carbo-loading, hauling large planks of wood, fasting, and rolling boulders. Historians say he followed it... religiously. Bwaaaaghhahahahahahahahaha! See you in hell, nonbelievers and stillborn babies!

It's odd that Swatch would agree to sponsor the Drone Racing League in that nobody who regularly watches drone racing has anything on their schedule besides "Watch more drone racing" and "Write threatening letters to least favorite drone racer".

Sadly, every high school has a bunch of a-holes spreading that tired old rumor about a classmate letting an entire sports team run a train on her in back of a bus. To those a-holes, I say: Grow the hell up. And leave my girlfriend out of this.

Don't be such a prude. In Tokyo they have Virtual Reality Sleeping Anime Girl Upskirt kiosks every few blocks. They're like Starbucks over there. But stickier.