Stellar Firma

*Caution* Citizen Employee Geistman and Clone David 7 still at large. Fugitives should not be approached... or seen... no-one would want to escape the love of the board... please disregard the words “at Large” and “Fugitives” in this notification. If any employee notsees the notfugitives please inform your nearest Line Manager. HAIL THE BOARD

*Caution* Citizen Employee Geistman and Clone David 7 still at large. Intelligence gathered by an undisclosed line manager known only as Plartro Hiltz working with the kind assistance of Fernsworth, Head of Sabotage and Espionage. None shall escape The Board... or would want to... Hail The Board!

Consultants successfully recaptured, alert level lowered to alternating blue and green strobes. Paradrak Ngelion assigned for orientation. The client, The Eternal Order of Patriarch Hans, requests fundraising and image improvement advice to help combat the impact of their murderous activities. Management Consultants' advice: exciting new mission statement; sotto voce logo slogans; bowel cleaning eye machine (unrelated); BANG; dusky glances; self-reflecting commands; vouchers for horrifying products.

The Client, New O'Neal Commercial and Industrial Hyperdynamics and Lotion Innovations, requests assistance with unionisation issues and general employee loyalty issues. Management Consultants' advice: recontextualise definition of terms; unions are stupid; learn to love the boot; unions eat your legs; hats of nitiation; unions give you wrinkles; eat the boot; initiate ‘funchat'; hold ‘funchat’ in the backup airlock.

Management Consultancy Review. Line Manager Hartro Piltz to assess initial consultancy efforts, largely from bed for what can only be assumed to be efficiency reasons. Bill for destruction of celebratory sparkling slurry to be applied to Line Manager’s expense account.

The client, the Gademy Academy For Scholarly Hollers, is looking for budget and spending advice (ideally yelled) to help with their financial difficulties. Management Consultants’ advice: Not being a weak-necked fool; aggressively loud fonts; traditional organic unassisted yelling; more spartinacity; unclear pamphlets; misleading signs.

The client, Zeith Fel, is looking for ideas for new productions for The Diabolical Flotilla Actors’ Guild to tour in the upcoming season. She has found that audiences are dwindling for their tours across the galaxy (entirely unconnected to the entirely justifiable destructive actions of Stellar Firma) and are in need of a hit. Management Consultants’ advice: a roster of updated “classics”, react to the pretend, pretend real knives, historical re-enactment, shattered bums, execute the fool, sexy wedding, the end?

The client, Goral Throgmar of the Construct-A-Creature corporation, is requesting legal assistance due to mounting complaints against them for creating “monstrosities” that are “killing people”. The bailiffs are on the way to take their eyes. Management Consultants’ advice: lie about your address, reframe the debate, corporate bonding monstrosity, be a turgid plant, utilise the googly eyes, hot slap pyramid.

The Client Corthinos the Perplexed of the Placaters of Planetary Puzzles is requesting assistance due to the increasingly puzzling planets created by Stellar Firma Ltd. making it impossible to placate their deeply confused owners. Management Consultants’ advice: deploy the Puzzlemaster, bake the active yeast, eat the chard, designatory japes, bring the knowledge bus pass, PUZZLEDOG!, pack your jorts, embarrass your way to success, hide things in hair, eat the pretzel of death.

After an unscheduled visit from Fern Creature, Line Manager Hartro Piltz assesses ongoing consultancy efforts. Line manager also conducts basic interrogation resistance training with variable success.

A client who would prefer to maintain their anonymity (known only as Scarlette) is looking for advice on at what point below board transactions spill over into full blown space piracy. Records also indicate that consultants were joined by Vice Admiral Fun for motivational support reasons. Management Consultants’ advice: imaginary gifts of pity, make sad horse glue, moral quandary anaphylaxis, party games, mind balloons, elephant husbandry, flamboyant piracy in the name of the board, space parties.

The Time Management division would like help with the many dangerous time pockets that are created in the day-to-day product of planets. This will improve safety, productivity, and much more importantly cut down on staff overtime. Management Consultants’ advice: Laser Hawkapult TM, public/private money vortex, honk snakes, hammer forms, Board cans, SPLT treaties, girthy brain, strategic black-holes, time = gravity (no arguments), time annex, countdownium, TimeBots.

Antoinette-Marie of The Happy Earth Zoo is having issues with knowing which of her animals are going to maul or eat visitors to the Zoo, or failing that, how not to be held responsible. Management Consultants’ advice: Burn down the zoo, disclaimers, hug-chomp Venn diagram, check the face for chompers, sub-Trexel sizing, poison?, lovely eyes, keep-away sticks, out-of-sight pit, have three tables, safety holes everywhere.

The Supreme Blagwith is finding that The Supreme Blagwith’s worshipper-employees are not dying fast enough due to concerns of “not wanting to be dead” and The Supreme Blagwith would like advice on how to make The Supreme Blagwith’s worshipper-employees die more efficiently. Management Consultants’ advice: A big grinder, tenants following the tenets of tennis, fright market activity FUTHER REPORT REDACTED BY LINE MANAGER HARTRO PILTZ

Line Manager Hartro Piltz proposes a fundamental change to team structure in response to non-specified performance-related issues during routine inquisitation and bequestionment.

Stefan Beetlevox, Head Bartender of The Cosmic Lounge, is concerned about a downturn in sales and would like advice on regaining market share. Management Consultants’ advice: musical mind parasites, targeted smear rapping, knives, branded graph friends (coasters), wider vents, remove facial recognition, more customer hierarchy and teen novel angst.

Makvala Agryris is a representative of CRISPR, a company that re-animates pets for their owners but have been too successful in developing the cognitive abilities of their customers' creatures. They require advice as to how to keep their customers happy now that the pets are showing a desire to build up military might. Management Consultants’ advice: activate Lounge Mode, hold hands, bathroom intelligences, big pointless novels, fully visible globes, communicate using maddening animal sounds, animal control orbs.

Count Eugenia Rutalowska of the Count's Corporeal Carpet Cleaning Company needs assistance due to a logistical mishap i.e. instead of carpet cleaner they now have cabernet. Management Consultants’ advice: sass, backchat, no brain socks, mean puppets, nude hands, onesies only, give glove puppets a chance, competitive hate, pop up bar experience, cabernet clubhouse, mash pope, canyams, reward slides.

Alisón Prince-Bruleé of the Intergalactic Coalition of Toaster Repair Excellence Acknowledgement Board is receiving a huge number of submissions, due to the ambiguous classification of what is and is not a toaster. They need help either with narrowing the definition or with improving the systems that deal with the submissions. Management Consultants’ advice: tumble your head, drawings of toasters, cut off your won arm, hidden threats, toaster disarmament, mutually assured confusion.

Line Manager Hartro Piltz conducts an entirely impartial self-assessment of the team to ascertain how well they think they have done. The results may shock you - or not - but regardless, all assessments are final once signed off by a line manager.

Head of Ballistics Akteraks is providing introductory training to the new Senior Consultants for Business Warfare. Yula Nozz has informed us that Pokey & Beam Space Law is looking to organise a class action space suit (different to a spacesuit) against Stellar Firma Ltd, in order to prevent it from damaging the natural planetary development of the universe any further. Strategic War Plan: immediately abandon mediation; vomit; dramatic irony; door to door violence; lick the handles; hidden hover cat leavings; veiled threats.

Gloreetaa, copyright lawyer, has informed us that The Discoballers are menacing any company involved in the production of spheres, as they claim they have copyright. Strategic War Plan: a fifth column of legal bees; quandary camp songs for morale; fire; funk antithesis; therapists (assassins(?)); sympathetic fireworks; talk to Terry.

Penelope Dorp has informed us that The Weavers of the Grand Mum Guild, purveyors of the finest of mass produced Knitware have started making hostile plans against Stellar Firma for refusing lucrative Knitware tie-in deals and encouraging people towards warmer, sunnier, non-sweater-based holidays. Strategic War Plan: discover selfish empathy; totally don’t side with the enemy; welcome a woollen god; candy handbag diplomacy; judgmental moth snobs; faux carboard moth rocket; creative encyclopaedia editing.

Micro-invertebrate 32-SDJ-6962 is informing on Tardigrades, just in general, as the Tardigrades feel that Stellar Firma’s many construction projects destroy many of their micro-invertebrate farms. Given their incredible ability to survive almost any environment they surely pose a threat. Strategic War Plan: give up and surrender - the Tardigrades are our new leaders *CAUTION CAUTION SEDITION SEDITION* false alarm... just a play; coat ourselves in honey; milk the big bee; don’t sell Trexel a baby carrier.

*CAUTION* Stakeholders meeting called. All other activities immediately cancelled. Line Managers, return to your teams for observation and preparation for Stakeholder announcements.

Wonderful and terrible news! The Shareholders are meeting to elect a new member of The Board for the first time in our glorious history. For your safety and enjoyment, you are reminded to remain in your quarters at all times until notified otherwise.