ABC DJ

Drug busts are an everyday adventure for a police unit, but how often do they get a chance to do a christmas extravaganza? D.I Beach wants elves, snow and Val Doonican; He gets Denise Van Outen, cocaine and a dwarf with attitude.

The BBC see desert island TV as a sure-fire ratings winner. Soon a starving Beach is looking at ""fleshy"" Bones in a new light, while a resourceful Donna Air is giving Ash some survival tips.

Leopard skin shorts, big hair-do's, large trouser proturbance... The good guys enter the fight game, while Bones has his wedding tackle adjusted.

""I am a policeman 24 hours a day, I am also the chosen one who wears the horns of Hurn."" A strange cult has Beach by the short and curlies - and plans to cut them off!

Security is needed when the code-named 'Jubilee Family' visit. For a change, the crap doesn't hit the fan, just the walls, windows, doors....

A race-relations officer gives the whiter-than-white squad some tips on how to conduct themselves.